Gloryholes. I am sure we are all familiar with the term and for us guys we are used to seeing them, in all there etched-out glory, anywhere you find a public toilet.

From Wikipedia for the uninitiated; "A Gloryhole is a hole in a wall, or other partition, often between public lavatory stalls or video booths for people to engage in sexual activity or observe the person in the next cubicle while one or both parties masturbate."

So the basic idea is that there is a hole in the partitioning wall between two cubicals, generally big enough for one to stick their penis, and sometimes hands, through so that two or more parties can engage in various forms of oral sex, masturbation, voyeorism and sex.

Now what has always got me is the process in which these holes get made. They are not small holes and the walls are not made out of paper. This is going to require a bit of work.

Let us leave for a minute the question of who and address how do these holes get started? Does someone bring a drill with them? Surely this would require too much forethought, not to mention conspicuousness. I imagine the hole gets started with a knife or some other common-type sharp object.

Ok, so far we have one guy starting the hole with his knife. Sun burst through to his cubical as he breaks through and makes the initial hole. This hole initially could not be bigger than the size of a mans finger - and we know we need to get it to at least penis size, if not wrist size. Having done my share of wood working in the past, assuming that the wall-patrician is not chip-board, this is going to take a little time and elbow grease. Does this guy stay in the cubical, slowly widdling away the hole for the next hour, discretely making trips outside to dispose of the widdlings in a Shawshank-Redemption-like tunnel building escapade? I would imagine that from all the time and work it takes to increase the hole to adequate size, the urge and inclination to partake in some George Michael-esque public bathroom antics may well have passed.

Assume that he doesn't finish the hole all in one go. If he comes back to the work site, well I guess at least he is showing perseverance. What is more mind-bending is the idea that every man interested, who uses that cubical, widdles away a little more of the hole upon their visit, like a pack of rats slowly eating its way through the walls and electric wiring of an abandoned house. Fantastic! We now have the Gloryhole collective, banding together across the world, creating holes through community action wherever public ludeness is desired.

Recently, in an attempt to reduce acts of public luedeness and sex (god knows why), local governments have cracked down on gay public cruising venues. Part of this response has been to replace wooden cubical walls with sheet metal walls, or place metal sheets on the wooden walls, to prevent any gloryhole tunneling.

Today as I was in the Lygon Plaza mens toilets, I was reminded that sometimes there are definable differences between the sexes. The toilet stalls had been installed with the sheets of metal fitted onto the existing wooden cubical patitians. In the appropriate crotch-height area was the evidence. Hundres and hundreds of scrtach marks! So desparate are we men for sexual gratification, so strong is the urge to shove our cock in another mans mouth, that some poor soul was, I imagine, feriously trying to tunnel their way to sexual gratification through two sheets of 4mm thich stainless steel with little more than their finger nails and maybe a set of car keys...

Inspira Car Names.

Riding my bike the other day up high st, I passed a car called, "Captiva". Did they mean the name association was going to make people think the car was captivating. The only image I got was being bloodily mangled and held captive in the car after a high speed head-on collision.

Other car names I have seen around the traps include:

Mitsubishi Pistachio

Suzuki Cappuccino

Toyota Picnic

Honda Joy Machine

Dodge Footprint

Toyota Unicorn

Mitsubishi Canter Guts

Mazda Menopausa

Toyota Deliboy

Honda Life Dunk

VW Midgit

Honda Street

Ford Coffina

About 1/2 of those are made up. Dodgy prize for those that can guess which ones.

It make me think that Kevin Spacey from Usual Suspects is working in the marketing department, coming up with the car names. The Holden Keyser Söze. The Ford Coffee Cup. The Toyota Virgil...


So What! Don't you know I'm Stoopid?

Yesterday I was ranting. Ranting up a storm.

One of my rants went along the lines of (Oh and imagine you are hearing this):

Nat: "so the word latent right. It means like present but not visible. Something that lays dormant yet to be realised. Then you have the world "blatant". It means almost the exact opposite of latent. It means, like, brazenly obvious, or conspicuous. Now I am not going to confess to know much about etymology but how the fuck can the presence of a 'b' in front of a word, basically change the entire meaning of the word. Worse, making it mean almost the exact opposite. This is why words are stoopid. And don't get me started on "dis", "un" and "in" prefixes."

Polite Waitress: I think latent is spelt with an "e" and blatant is spelt with an "a", though I am not sure.

Nat: Well I guess that is that then.

I think my point still stands though.


Scrabble. The Final WORD.

So words are good, yeah? I like them. They come in handy occasionally. And they are funny. However, I feel the need to rebel against language Nazi's and, as I like to call them, the Grammar Gestapo.

Being lazy, absent minded and, well lets face it, a little dim at times, my spelling and grammar can leave a lot to be desired. Those who know me have often heard my rants defending myself and the underprivileged about how we use language. But the message is not getting through.

So let me present my final argument that caring too much about correct spelling and grammar makes you a lamo. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the past winners of The World Scrabble Championships!

From the top: Nigel Richards (2007), Brian Cappelletto (2001), Panupol Sujjayakorn (2003), Adam Logan (2005) and Joel Sherman in the red braces(1997).

As they say, Q.D.E. motherfuckers!


Delorean #3 The Daily Grind

Sometime in 2005, ATO CRM Change Project, Canberra.

Today me and Ed spent 3 hours in the meeting room downstairs (know as the Glasshouse) coming up with names for Coffee shops and Asian restaurants. We white-boarded it and printed it out. It would have been easier if I could have emailed it to myself. They really need to get on that shit.

(2008 - I have reproduced the list and added some all new contributions).

Don’t be latte
Catch you latte
Perk you later
Mr Tea
Espresso Yourself
Bean there done that
Common ground
Daily Grind
Drip Tease
Bean too long
Grounds keeper
Human Beans
Has Beans
Grind House
Grounds Zero
Its Bean a pleasure
Bean John Malkovich
Better latte than never
Chai This
Fuck you, where is my coffee?
cafe fiend
mug shot of espresso
legal crack
A brew ha ha
brew you mo fo
Tea bag this!

Thai me a river
Guess that meat
Curry up
Wok and roll
Scissors paper wok
$2 Peking show
Kung food
The Golden Shower
Eat and Two Veg
Mo pho
What the Pho
Foo Kin Chinese Food
Yeung Ho
Wok your socks off
Puket about it
Poppadom preach (not ours)
Korma chameleon (not ours)
Just a special touch of curry and rice
Chow you mein
Bok Joy
Won Ton Rodeo
You’re futon crazy
Thai Me Kangaroo down (Thai/Australian Fusion)

My Favorites are Perk you Later, Tea Bag This!, Bok Joy and Won Ton Rodeo.


The Sandwhich Club #1

In a series of post I have decided to document the numerous "rules of sandwich" which I have decreed over the years. Rules apply to non-toasted, bread-based closed sandwiches and exceptions will be highlighted where appropriate.

1. No individual filling shall be thicker in height than the sum height of the bread contained in said sandwich.

2. No greater than 3 condiments shall be used as filling on a standard sandwich. Should more than 3 condiments be used the sandwich must obey the "3 two 1" rule. For each condiment, in the case of a 3+ condiment sandwich, there must exist 2 'non-condiment' fillings for each condiment on the sandwich.

In the case that butter/margarine is used on the bread, the butter shall not count as a condiment.
*note* salt and pepper are not considered condiments.

3. Any sandwich containing more than 2 meats must contain at least 2 or more of the following:
- cheese
- lettuce / salad
- mustard
- egg
- a heart health warning.

4. Filling position - The Bread Clause. No filling, not including condiments, with a potential liquid consistency greater than a standard garden variety tomato (known as liquid-solid fillings) shall occupy the filling position boarding either the upper or lower sections of bread. For example, beetroot or pineapple. This rule does not apply for sandwiches with 3 or less fillings.

*note* Sandwiches of more than 3 fillings for which non-violation of the above rule would be a mathematical impossibility (i.e. sandwiches with only one filling that does fall into the liquid-solid filling category) are in violation of another rule that specifies this scenario.

5. For a style of sandwich to be officially named (E.g. Club Sandwich, A Reuben) the sandwich must be known by that name by no less than 5 people who do not share blood relations closer than cousins and shall live in 5 different households. This rule does not apply to restaurant/cafe/bar owners who can do whatever the fuck they want.

Whats in A name?

An 'A' can make the world of difference sometimes.

He is black - Ok. He is a black - ol' skool racism.
She is gay - Fine. She is A gay - Not cool but ironically funny.
I love four year olds - fine. I love A four year old - Not fine.

The case where I am not sure this does work is religion.
He is Jewish. Or, He is A Jew.
She is Christian versus she is A Christian.



GARAGE. Ok, sure. If you say so. But it kind of looks a little bit like CARAGE, doesn't it? CAR-AGE. Squint your eyes. Makes sense. So I went on a rant a little while ago, proclaiming my hypothesis, to explain GARAGE was originally CARAGE until one day someone misread the 'C' as a 'G'.

I guess I knew deep down that it wasn't true. This was confirmed when I looked up http://www.etymonline.com/. They suggest it is derived from the French verb
'garer' which means "to shelter".

But I am not deterred. And in keeping with my Engla-fying (oh yeah) English and ridding our language of stupid french terms (mainly because I have trouble pronouncing them because of my unusually wide tongue) I think I am going to continue to write CARAGE. Take that Pepe Le Pew (or should it be Joseph The Stink)!

Also on my hit list are calling baguettes french sticks, croissants crescent pastries and I will continue to mumble the words to Lady Marmalade!

And on words, what is with putting 'T''s in the front on words followed by a consonant. The major offender in recent memory was Tsunami but with the recent Georgian/Russian Crisis, towns such as Tbilisi and Tskhivali are giving it a red hot go too. Its about time this shit was sorted.


Things that I found out too late #2

Bi-card soda is not the same as baking powder (yummy fizzy muffins).

Early stages of pregnancy and urinary tract infections often have similar symptoms.

Mecuricrome from the 80's was taken off the market for being linked to mercury poisoning and cancer and therefore should not be used as a hair dye.

Save White Dog Poo

I would like to introduce someone I met the other day. I am hoping he will become a regular blogger on here. Introducing the first post by Leon White.

Hi everybody!

Its great to be given this chance to speak to you all. Normally I am a little cautious of over-exposure but if this helps my family's plight, what the hell.

Firstly introductions. My name is Leon White. You can see me in the picture with my two darling kids. And yes, I know what you are all thinking - and the answer is No, I am not related to Darryl Summers.

The reason I asked Nat if I could post on his blog is that I want to educate the public on the plight of our kind. Our Kind being White Dog Poo. Some of you may not have noticed but we have been declining in numbers. We reached out population peak in the 1970's but since the 1990's we have faced a dramatic decline in numbers. Go outside and take a look around. You probbaly will be lucky to see one of us. I don't like saying this but we are facing the big E. Thats right, EXTINCTION!

Luckily, there are a few people who have been willing to take up our cause and educate the public. Celebrities such as Sarah Silverman with her song, "Whatever Happened to thats White Dog Poop From the 70's" have helped out and have done wonders for our cause. Check out her and her sister.

The reason for our declining numbers comes down to two important factors. Firstly, there has been a change to Dog Diets that has resulted in less protein and calcium in their poo's. Protein and Calcium is vital for White Dog Poo development. Fewer raw bones given to dog's, changes to the ingredients of dog food and a focus on a more balance dog diet has lead to this catastrophic outcome.

Secondly, there has been an increase in urban street sanitary efforts, which has meant that many of our brothers and sisters have not been given the chance to fully develop into glorious White Poo's. As a result, inner city White Dog Populations have decline more dramatically and White Dog Poo's only real chance of survival is in the bush.

So what can you do(odie) to help. I have made a list of 5 things ordinary people can do to help foster the survival of me and my kind:
  1. Feed you dogs more Calcium and Protein. Give them milk and bones. They love it.
  2. Don't clean up after your dog. We cannot survive in plastic and we will never turn white.
  3. If you see a brown poo don't step on it. If you can, move the poo to a sunny area as this helps speed up the whitening process.
  4. I know we make a cool crushing noise but please DON"T STAND ON US!
  5. Tell your friends about our plight and always ask yourself, Whatever Happened to thats White Dog Poop From the 70's?
Thanks for reading. Just on a final note we are organising a benefit gig next month in Melbourne to raise awareness. Its called LollaPOOloosa and don't forget to buy a dog poo lapel pin to show your support.