Monday

Dr DRE is in da house!

“I don’t even let anyone wag their finger in my face” - Tony Soprano

Surely there has to be a better way to check for prostate cancer than sticking a finger up the arse and foraging around the prostate? Some scan or something. Couldn’t they use that new x-ray machine that they are going to use at airports? I will tell you something for nothing – there is a Gobillion dollars to the inventor of such a devise.

“Ah, Mr. Jones, I see you are due for due for your yearly prostate check-up. Now we have two options here. One costs $200 and is non-invasive, much like a diabetes test. The other is free and involves you dropping your trousers, bending forward over the examination table, at which point I will slip my rubber clad finger up your anus”

It’s not even the physicality of the procedure. Yes slightly uncomfortable I imagine but not exactly painful. It is the indignity for both parties involved. I can’t help but think about the doctor having to study medicine for seven years only to spend his days with his well-lubed-up fingers up mine and other men’s arses.

I have done a little research on the matter and found out some important facts.
  1. The traditional prostate exam, where a finger is inserted into the anus, is medically referred to as a Digital Rectal Exam, or more commonly a DRE. Poor Doctor Dre. He really got the bum rap on that one. Press Play!
    (bum rap…fuck that felt good).
  2. The DRE only really examines about 10% of the prostate area. That is the area that can be reached by the fingers
  3. Many studies have questioned the effectiveness of the DRE in detecting cancer and other prostate related illnesses.
  4. The American Medical Association is currently changing its guidance relating to prostate examinations to “a thorough screening for prostate cancer every 4 years is adequate."
  5. The Health Central website advises a doctor exam every 4 years combined with either a self-examination or PARTNER-assisted examination every year. (The only time I am ever letting my partner put something up my arse is if there is some form of leather harness, lubrication, a safety word and the promise of an orgasm).
  6. If you ever do get anything stuck up your arse, say like a cucumber or a dildo or the entire cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, you will need three things; a bottle of whiskey, a pair of tongs and a friend who can keep a secret.

Tuesday

Stawnana and Porn

I am feeling vague and happy today. Apparently discoherent is a word. So I think I will go with that - feeling incoherent while being partial to the sounds of the Bee Gees and KC and the Sunshine Band.

I have that faint feeling that I dreamt about my friend Dom Horvat last night. A childhood friend I haven't seen for 5 years. He is perhaps one of the few geniuses I have ever met. Some examples:

My friend Jake asked Dom to buy him a 600ml flavoured milk (big M) from the school canteen. When Dom asked what flavour Jake said, "surprise me!" Five minutes later, Dom returns with 2x300ml Big M's, tapped together with sticky tape and a straw sticking out of each Big M, both tapped together. One flavoured strawberry, the other Banana. Dom named it Stawnana.

Dom taught me, with the aid of his family’s deep frying experience, that any meat, in fact any food, can be deep fried. Deep fried sherbet bombs anyone?

Dom dressed up in fire-protective welding clothes, doused his bike wheels in petrol, set his wheels on fire, and cruised down the main strip in Landsborough at the stroke of New Years.

Like I said, GENIUS.
*Note* I am going to rummage through my old boxes one of these days and find the lyrics to some of the great rap songs we penned when we were 13 and wanted to form a rap group. Such masterpieces as a rap mix of Right Said Fred's Don't Talk Just Kiss and our own Hype School.

I spent a big portion of my time in a small Victorian country town called Landsborough. Actually I grew up in Landsborough West to be precise, however, I don't want to give the false impression that Landsborough is sufficiently big enough to warrant geographic divides based on cardinal directions. There was no south-Central Landsborough. Anyway, it occurred to me a few years ago that "Landsborough" is a dumb word. Borough essential means a governed area of township or land. It might as well be call Landsborough-villes-spring.

Anyway - I should save my small town rants for another day...

PORN UPDATE!
The Hustler made Palin-Porn production has been titled "Who's Nailin' Paylin". Obvious. There had been a 1 min preview doing the rounds on youtube. I prefer this onset interview with the Palin actress. Apparently the actress thinks Palin is "out of her mind"


You can also check out the myspace profile http://www.myspace.com/whosnalinpaylin

PG Porn. Also doing the rounds has been the "allegedly" funny PG Porn by the Gunn brothers. Doesn’t really do much for me. But worth checking out I suppose. http://www.spike.com/video/pg-porn-pg-porn/3041858

I just looked on my pack of Chocolate Fruit and Nut treats. Apparently it may contain traces of nuts.

Monday

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Mania is weird, hey? Maniac. He is a Maniac. She is a nymphomaniac. He drives like a maniac. I think kleptomaniacs, nymphomaniacs and pyromaniacs are the most common maniacs. Then you have manic depression. What if you liked fires and starting fires but you weren't manic for them? What then? Its like when people are described as "dog lovers". She was a "cat lover". I like dogs but don't ever want to be known as a "dog lover". Even "a fondness for dogs" is too much. Nat liked dogs.


I think some types of mania could just be described as obsessions or stuff people really like to do. Like pteridomania, which is a passion for ferns. Isn't that just liking them lots and lots? Or orchidomania, which is the abnormal obsession with orchids. We couldn't have just grouped all the botany obsessions under the one type of mania?

I remember as kids there used to be a woman that drove like a maniac up and down the dirt road that my family lived on. When we would see her coming we would get out the front and sing "she's a manic, manic on the floor..." What can I say, we were dorks, and Hall and Oates were still pretty rad in 1983.


V for Wendetta - do we ever get to say a "V" but with a "W" sound? Like Wagner but in reverse?


I don't have a small penis. I have enormous legs.

Oh. Peace.

Wednesday

Things that I found out too late #3

It was a scoop of whipped butter, not ice cream, next to my Pancake Parlor pancakes.

I would not be greeted as a liberator by my family after riding my BMX through the living room window - despite my powder-blue towel-cape.

Kangaroo bites require tetanus shots.

Work out whether audience members have relatives that have been subject to, or involved in, grave digging before giving a Year 10 English presentation on necrophilia.

Tuesday

DP for the VP

OK. OK. Apparently DP wasn't required but I sure think it makes for a snappy title. What am I talking about? Larry Flint, founder and owner of Hustler and the real life version of Woody Harrelson in The people versus Larry Flynt, has just completed production of an X-rated movie using an adult-film actress who resembles the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin.

Here is the ad posted on Craigslist calling for appropriate "actresses".

Now Hustler have yet to release the title of the Palin skin-flick so perhaps he is just waiting for inspiration. Here you go Larry.

DP for the VP
Sarah bears her coota
Sarah Palin in The Oral Orifice. Staring Al Gorge and Laura's Bush.
Drillin' Palin
Nailin' Pailin
Filibusters and Gangbusters
The Erect-cutive Branch
VP Mas-Debate
Hardcore Hockey Moms
Hockey Hookers
Alaskin Snowjobs
Palin rears Putin's Head
All the Presidents Men
Vice Pussydent
Right-wing Nuts and the VP who likes to drain them
Sarah Palin. Helping erect John McCain.
Servicing her CUNT-TRY
Going down on the Polls
Palin screws America over

*oh God these are lame but more to come*