Delorean #4

December 1 2005, South-East Coast Vietnam

In the space of 48 hours the following has happened.
  1. My motorbike broke down just under halfway into a 7 hour trip from Saigon to the beach to meet some peeps I knew. Only saving grace was it only cost about $7 to replace the fuel pump but walking the bike for 45 minutes in the heat was not fun.
  2. Within one hour of arriving at Nah Trang it started raining cats and dogs (which I think the locals decided to cook up for my dinner that evening). It hasn't stopped raining yet.
  3. I was tackled by a Tranny Hooker and had to push her to the ground to stop her from to stealing my wallet.
  4. I woke up in the middle of the night with an eye infection. I suspected it was pink-eye.
  5. Found the only doctor in the town that spoke English. Despite sitting me on a blood-stained Hospital bed, she was very nice. Turns out it is a bacterial infection similar to pink-eye. Total cost for doctor and medicine: $3.25. Screw You Medicare!
  6. Because my eyes are weeping like motherfuckers, I bought some knock-off Gucci sunglasses. I now look lame.
  7. My friend Raene, while walking in the shallow waters on the beach, believes she stepped in some human poo. We are now calling her poo-foot.
I really wish there were some life lessons in all that. Oh, I turn 26 in a few days. Fuckin' Hell...



I DECREE: There is not a license plate that is not fun to say.

As A kid, I spent a lot of time travelling in cars, mainly pursuing my ticket out of the 'Borough West' Projects by way of a professional tennis career.

Looking for ways to entertain myself I discovered this fact about number plates - 3 letter combinations on license plates are just fun to say. If they are some weird combination of letters, such as, FTB or GTL, that is fun. If the arrangement makes a word, then you have found a little number plate gem.

Some examples I can see on my street: QZI, UTD, VTM, HAL. See! Its Fun.

It's so much fun, that if I was to create a new language I would base it upon this idea. Words cannot consist of more than three letters.

What’s that ma'am, sorry, you are wondering if limiting word length to 3 would NOT result in enough words to express all the complexities of human interaction?

Well lets see. There are 26 letters in the alphabet. That is 26 possible single letter words. 676 possible two-letter words and 17576 three-letter possibilities (derived from the Permutation with repetition rule nr , where n is the number of objects to choose from, n = 26 letters in the alphabet, and r is the number of positions, either 1, 2 or 3).

That gives a total of 17576+676+26 = 18,278. Lets get rid of 25% of those because they will be crap and not worth using and we are let with 13,709. That seems like plenty of words to me.

Sorry Sir, can you speak up? How are we going to communicate fluently with each other given that we will all be beside ourselves, quietly giggling at the hilarious sounds that are coming from our mouths?
This is a possibility I agree. I think, if anything, laughter helps and it is a chance I am willing to take.

You think I am a retard sir and I have wasted your time, my time and precious space on the internets with this drivel? Fair call.


Constipation Camps

He is responsible for the deaths of over 12 million civilians. One of the most evil, vile human beings to have walked the earth. His image encapsulates all that is evil and is a universal sign of moral desolation and tyrannical murder. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the most repulsive, the most feared murderous dictator, Adolf Hitler!

He looks like he is going to pee his pants. Fucking douche bag!

This image makes me think, there are all those stupid theories about Hitler, right? He was a copaphiliac, he was a homosexual, he was vegan. You know, theories to try and make him seem like a whack job. But they never,ever accused him of being a kiddie fiddler. And the whole "Hitler Youth" thing would be gold to nourish these rumours.

It always seemed odd to me that we had to find other reason as to why Hitler was a nutbag. Like killing half of Europes Jews was not enough.

"Adolf Hitler - responsible for eating the poo's of 1 million Jews"

**My last race-based post for a while. I promise**


Taking out the Trash

You can’t take pride in being “white” without being a dick.

I think generally that is a good thing. Us “whities” have done our fair share of conquering, colonising, controlling, exploiting and generally making a shitload of money. But it’s just tacky when you boast about it.

Race, or ethnic, pride movements generally tend to come from the disenfranchised, powerless and marginalised. Groups like the black panthers and the ANC were explicitly about taking back the power.

When it comes to that icky word, “White Pride”, it is generally the same. People who are attracted to the white pride movement tend to be the ignorant, lowly educated, poor, disenfranchised, white trash. Joe “hillbilly” six-pack has about as much power and connection to the likes of Rupert Murdoch and Government as any marginalised “inner-city” (that’s code for black) community.

Pride movements tend to direct anger at those groups that are holding them down. Which is why the “White Pride” movement in the USA directs all its anger towards the Blacks and Latino’s. Of course, the fucking black and brown man keeping the white man down, holding him in oppressive chains and using their control of the media and economy to deprive him from his social and economic freedom! Fucking Dumbasses!

Which I think is why white trailer-trash are the only group in which it is still universally socially acceptable to racially abuse. Even the most earnest, arts majoring, middle-classy, white boy feels entirely comfortable and justified in saying, “Fucking white trailer-trash”. And as much as I hate to agree with the earnest, arts majoring, middle-classy, white boy – Fucking White Trailer-Trash indeed!

Stay tune tomorrow for more of my in-depth analysis and commentary when I reveal why I prefer the later Hitler to the earlier Hitler and why Joseph Goebbels hated Panda Bears but loved drugs…


The Columbines Massacre

I have been away from the blog. I missed it. All these vague, mediocre thoughts clogging up my mind. I had an operation on my jaw, where I was under general anaesthetic, to fix a cracked tooth. The anaesthetic combined with the pain-killers and antibiotics made me vague and hazy. I thought I should spare the blog.

So I am going to write something every day for the next two weeks. A big commitment I know but I think it is warranted. Now that I am off the Panadine Fort, I am feeling unusually alert. I am feeling COMBOULATED.

A Pascal Chocolate Éclair is about as close to a chocolate éclair as Vegan Not-Dogs are to the hind legs of a farmyard pig. I can't believe we let them get away with this bullshit. If it weren’t for the sweet sounds of the Phil Collins playing Gorilla I would storm the Cadbury officers right now (or maybe later when the weather has cleared up a little).

And this leads me to Chip flavours. It started with sour cream and chives. No, it started with “cheese and onion”, then “sour cream and chives”. And we accepted it because they tasted yummy and, quite frankly, we were all a bit sick of the BIG FOUR flavours: Plain, Salt and Vinegar, Chicken and BBQ.

Then came the Kettle chips with their “Baked Honey Ham”, "Chilli and Sour Cream" and "Herb and Spice". The chips were crunchy and rustic and downright delicious so we let that slide.

Not long after, along came Red Rock and friends trying to impress us with their "Red Wine and Tuscan Herbs", "Chicken, Thyme and Lemon", "Honey Soy Chicken", “Lime and Black Pepper” and, the worst of them all, "Balsamic Vinegar and Sea Salt".

I refuse to be quiet anymore. I refuse to be kept down by the thugs in the (Potato) Scallop industry. While you sit there and stuff your face with saturated fat potato snacks I am going to stand up and shout, ""Balsamic Vinegar and Sea Salt"! It’s the same fucking thing as "Salt and Vinegar". We are being duped and having the wool pulled over our eyes."

The human fried potato palate is an insatiable, however, unsophisticated beast. I contend it can detect three, maybe four, flavours: Sugary, Salty, Spicy and Sour. Every chip flavour is essentially a combination of varying proportions of these four flavours.

So go take your bodied wine, with its bouquet of aromas and your mild-aged-hazelnut Bree cheese and sample all the delicate flavours you like. But when you are eating chips all I ever want to hear is, "Fuck, these chips a salty."