The is lots of things to be distrustful of this week. My best advice, be alert and carry a copy of this weeks Trust Watch everywhere you go.
Number 5. Fruit.
First up this week, Fruit. I’ve been burned too many times man. Can we get some consistency here? C’mon fruit, you taste nice but sometimes you let us down with being too ripe, too sweet, too sour or not ripe enough. You are delicious but it is hard to tell whether you are going to be bad or not. You hide behind your skin – that’s right, I’m talking to you oranges, apples, bananas and cantaloupe (oh, Cantaloupe, can we finally settle on a name please?). How long has the saying, “One bad apple ruins the bunch” been around anyway? Time to get the message fruit.
Number 4. Vaginas.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love the vagina. I am a big fan or their work. The whole sex thing…Genius! But that does not mean they are to be trusted. The Vagina and its cycles. Now I am not scared of a bleeding vagina. I grew up in the bush remember, we deal with stuff like that all the time. But the way we refer to its cycles and times of the month makes it feel like the vagina has an appointment to be somewhere. Get a bunch of Vaginas together and the start synchronizing (I can’t even work out how to make my computer and iPod do that), affecting each other’s hormone levels, I even think it’s got something to do with the rising of the tides and the phase of the moon – the Vagina is like the Zodiac killer for fucks sake. And bald Vagina’s, what is up with that? Like a cat, a bald pussy looks weird. Bald Vagina’s look like they are on their last legs after going through a three-month bout of Chemo. Sorry ma’am, I am afraid to tell you your Vagina has 3 weeks to live…
Number 3. Butterflies.
There are so many reasons not to trust butterflies. Firstly, I don’t trust anything that is not happy with being a caterpillar. Seriously. Fuck-off the cocoon and just be happy with who you are dude. And the whole colorful wings bullshit. You are pretty, we get it. If you spent a little less time on your appearance and a little more looking for food you might find you live longer than 5 days.
Number 2. Watches.
That’s right, number two on this weeks Trust Watch is Watches. I am not trying to be cute here, watches cannot be trusted. I have three watches, all of which are somewhat expensive and all of which are in some state of disrepair (oh that is a dumb word). Now they say even a broken watch is correct twice each day, however, without a watch to tell the time, I never now when this is.
Number 1. Soup.
Again, there has been no further clarification from soup regarding the accusations I leveled at it last week. And again, there are more questions to be asked. Laksa - Soup or Curry? When does hot water end and broth begin? And Noodle Soup - Noodles OR Soup? Too many questions, too few answers. I am waiting to here from you, Soup. You know where I live.