Thursday

Trust Watch.

The is lots of things to be distrustful of this week. My best advice, be alert and carry a copy of this weeks Trust Watch everywhere you go.


Number 5. Fruit.

First up this week, Fruit. I’ve been burned too many times man. Can we get some consistency here? C’mon fruit, you taste nice but sometimes you let us down with being too ripe, too sweet, too sour or not ripe enough. You are delicious but it is hard to tell whether you are going to be bad or not. You hide behind your skin – that’s right, I’m talking to you oranges, apples, bananas and cantaloupe (oh, Cantaloupe, can we finally settle on a name please?). How long has the saying, “One bad apple ruins the bunch” been around anyway? Time to get the message fruit.


Number 4. Vaginas.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the vagina. I am a big fan or their work. The whole sex thing…Genius! But that does not mean they are to be trusted. The Vagina and its cycles. Now I am not scared of a bleeding vagina. I grew up in the bush remember, we deal with stuff like that all the time. But the way we refer to its cycles and times of the month makes it feel like the vagina has an appointment to be somewhere. Get a bunch of Vaginas together and the start synchronizing (I can’t even work out how to make my computer and iPod do that), affecting each other’s hormone levels, I even think it’s got something to do with the rising of the tides and the phase of the moon – the Vagina is like the Zodiac killer for fucks sake. And bald Vagina’s, what is up with that? Like a cat, a bald pussy looks weird. Bald Vagina’s look like they are on their last legs after going through a three-month bout of Chemo. Sorry ma’am, I am afraid to tell you your Vagina has 3 weeks to live…


Number 3. Butterflies.

There are so many reasons not to trust butterflies. Firstly, I don’t trust anything that is not happy with being a caterpillar. Seriously. Fuck-off the cocoon and just be happy with who you are dude. And the whole colorful wings bullshit. You are pretty, we get it. If you spent a little less time on your appearance and a little more looking for food you might find you live longer than 5 days.


Secondly, butterflies trick other animals. The Alcon blue butterfly, tricks ant colonies to raise its offspring by producing larvae with a chemical coating similar to that of ants. Once they become a caterpillar they even beg for food like ant larvae. The caterpillars even mimic the sounds of the queen ants and they get special treatment. Like when there is a food shortage, the ants, thinking the caterpillars are some sort of special queen ant, will feed the caterpillar the colony’s babies. Fucking monsters.

Number 2. Watches.

That’s right, number two on this weeks Trust Watch is Watches. I am not trying to be cute here, watches cannot be trusted. I have three watches, all of which are somewhat expensive and all of which are in some state of disrepair (oh that is a dumb word). Now they say even a broken watch is correct twice each day, however, without a watch to tell the time, I never now when this is.


Number 1. Soup.

Again, there has been no further clarification from soup regarding the accusations I leveled at it last week. And again, there are more questions to be asked. Laksa - Soup or Curry? When does hot water end and broth begin? And Noodle Soup - Noodles OR Soup? Too many questions, too few answers. I am waiting to here from you, Soup. You know where I live.

Wednesday

meh.

I'm busy (kinda) and can't be arsed blogging. In tribute to "uhh Yeah Dude" from craigslist LA...

Party Without Pants - m4m - 29 (Hollywood)

I liked it back in college when me and a bud used to do some lines, feel our dicks springing up under our jeans, put on a pussy porn and remove the pants with underwear at our ankles.

Eventually he learned that he liked to suck dick and I learned that I REALLY liked to get high and get my dick hard.

I'm big. I stay hard. And I'm not into anything but snow. Don't be small or into crystal meth.

Clean, disease-free bro here. No weirdos or flakes please. Please have a ski lift to share. Thanks.

The internet is great!

TRUST WATCH tomorrow.

Tuesday

Trust Watch

I admit dear reader, I have let you down. I have been complacent, hoping the world was a good place, trying to walk on the sunny side of the street, and I let my guard down. And you have been put at risk. No longer. You will be protected against all that would harm you on my weekly installment of Trust Watch!

Christian Bale
Number five on today’s Trust Watch, Christian Bale. If he is not hurling abuse at Shane Hurlbut, he is destroying the Batman franchise with his over-the-top 'Batman voice" and under-acting. Please, stop. You are hurting me. All this from the man who played American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman to perfection. Prediction - he will murder Terminator Salvation.

Porn
At four comes men who say they don't watch porn. Guys, stop lying. I know, you watch porn, I watch porn, we all watch porn. Some of us more than others, sure, but if there is a cock and two balls and an Internet connection, there will be porn. Ladies, yes you have a nice guy. Sure he is sensitive and understands the moral gray areas of porn production. You have probably heard him rant about how sexist porn is and how degrading it is to women. Unfortunately, as soon as you're out the door he's jumped on the computer and is jacking off to Big butt anal attack 3 and working through your $45-a-bottle Clinique moisturiser.

Whales
Mammals that live in the seas, need I say more? It seems there is an increasing amount of evidence to suggest that whales, while joining in on the evolution conga-line and decided to leave the water and become land based, they grew legs and decided to kick it on land for a few million years. They then decided that land wasn't for them and headed back into the water. Not to be trusted.

Soup
Number two on Trust Watch, Soup. Liquid, Solid. Meal, Snack. Entree, Main. Spoon, fork. Make up your mind. It's time we finally get this sorted.

Cats
I like to pat cats. A walk home from a night of drink, nothing gives me more comfort to know that there will be 3 cats to pat on my way home. However, recently the street cats of my neighborhood have colluded and are running away as soon as they see me. Come back kitties. Added to this, yesterday I patted a neighborhood cat I had only seen once before. We had a good five-minute patting session during the afternoon. The poor misguided cat, misunderstood our bonding session as an invite to enter my room through an open window at 5:30 in the morning, a fact I soon uncovered after he woke me this morning playing under my bed with a piece of crumbled paper. Cats, number one on this weeks Trust Watch.



Saturday

Be My Valintine

Male, 45, wants to be rid of half of my possessions. What's mine is yours. Looking for 2 years of passion, followed by 5 years of bickering. Must love bitter separation and trips to the Pocono's. Call Leo - 9255 5555.

Good looking, tall with a penchant for over-acting. Told I look like Vince Colosimo. Send mail to V. Colosimo P.O. BOX 455.

18 year old male, wants dance partner. Must be interested in the Forbidden Dance, Dirty Dancing, Shaking tale feathers and Foot Loosing. Be waxed and not have kankles. Call Sam - 9433 5555

Male, 29, seeks companion for quite nights in of scrabble, cluedo, Risk, Monopoly, Operation and pictionary. Down to earth and not into game players. Call Richard - 9423 4567

Female, 42, into BDSM, water sports, anal, cross dressing, latex, Coprophilia, gothic, mummification, humiliation, zoophillia, klismaphilia and teens. Must be fond of Perry Como and cup cakes. Call Sonia - 9876 5432

Former President of a major international super power. Looking for a nice girl to work my Erect-cutive Branch. You must be willing to servicing your CUNT-TRY and be my Oval Orifice. Must have dry cleaning tokens. Call B. C. - 9191 9191

Male, 38, promiscuous, history of genital warts, herpes, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Pubic Lice, Hep B and Syphilis. Looking for my princess. Must be D&D free. Greg - 9111 1111

Female 55, if you are tall, handsome and athletic you can slip into my pyjamas anytime. Call 9888 8888 with pyjama size. Must have own pillow.

one (1) pair of Jousting Sticks to sell. would suit fruit pickers, pokers, budding pole vaulters and 16th century knights. Will not separate. Call Daryl - 8888 5555

Recently widowed Male, 36. Seeks female with GSOH, attractive and easy going. I have plenty to give. Must be size 10 and shoe size 7.

Male, 29, seeks jousting partner for recently acquired Jousting sticks. Must be into chain-mail vest and round tables. Call Stan - 0898 9898

Average witted blogger, Male, 29, seeks intelligent, smart attractive female for laughing at my jokes, listening to rants and dvd's on wintery nights. Must be prepared to let me win arguments 20% of the time. I like to listen to how your day at work went, have sex once per day, kiss, see classical music and find true love. Glasses optional. Leave message on blog.

Monday

Chocolate.

Do you remember when Nestlé was pronounced "Nessles" instead of the popular International/French (correct) way, "Nestlay". And then, during the early 90's, in Nestlé ads they were all like "Nestlay - it's Swiss for Chocolate" or some bullshit. Fucking French speaking Swiss.

I do love this aspect of early 20th century Australian culture.

Bonjour sir, you would like to buy some chocolate, Oui?
Yes. Can I get some of that, ah, bloody Nessles Choc there?
Do you mean Nestlay?
No Nessles.
It's pronounced Nesslay.
N-e-s-s-t-l-ey
N-e-s-s-l-a-y
N-e-s-s-l-a....Just give me some fucking chocolate you poof.

Wednesday

Natie in the Middle

I WAS a half middle child. Born third in a family of four. My parents then ended up adopting a child that they previously fostered (he is now 11 years old) which now makes him the youngest in the family AND now makes me the OFFICIAL MIDDLE CHILD.

Things are now starting to make sense.

I had long, and repeatedly, put forward the view that I was the neglected child. Constantly passed over for new clothes, benefactor of hand-me-down toys and starved for attention, I believe this may have impacted on my development. But I turned out alright. I survived this neglect and subtle but very real form of Child Abuse. Mostly.

I never had a proper pet of my own.

We always had family pets. Cats and dogs and the occasional fish. Although they were family pets, ownership was assigned to one person in the family. So that our family dog, Cloe, the most lovely-natured Irish setter, was "Rachel's dog" even though the responsibility of looking after Cloe fell onto the entire family.

Dad has a dog. Mum had a cat, Fing. Rachel had Cloe. Damian had a dog, Penny. Mali had a dog, Julius. And now, despite his Johnny-come-latelyness, Jason (the adopted, youngest one) has a dog, Maddy. All these dogs were bought with money and were gifts. I got nothing.

To combat this, I adopted, saved and found my own pets. Living in country Victoria, there perhaps were more opportunities to do this than say if I lived in the city. These are my pets. May they rest in peace.

Gray Cat: A stray best remembered for getting an infected abscess on his spine and into his flesh, the size of a golf ball. Dad, instead of taking him to the Vet (you just don't do that in the country), continued to fill the hole in Grey Cats flesh with an antiseptic cream, Savlon. The wound healed, my Dad unjustifiably vindicated and I have never been able to use Savlon quite the same again.

Mr Cat: A kitten abandoned by its mother with an inter-gender, Inter-Species identity disorder. Raised by Chickens near our chicken coup. Ate Chicken feed, took its turn to sit on eggs and, my Dad swears to this, was caught trying to mount a hen.

David: A stray wild baby magpie. Survived 1 week, ate food until it literally went spastic, like its muscles all went into spasms, then it died. I did not know why.

David 2: Another stray baby Magpie. Like its predecessor, David 2 also started to go a little spastic until I feed it some water through a baby-bottle. It then recovered. Starting to think this is why David 1 died, though can't be sure. David 2 grew up and made friends, flew off and occasionally he comes back to visit. Seriously, you will not see him for months then a magpie that you think is swooping you will then land right next to your feet. He will then let you pat his head and beak.

Sonny: Joey Kangaroo whose mum was hit by a car. Survived one week and in that one week he ate Vegemite toast, jam sandwiches and a portion of the flesh of my palm (It got pretty infected. The palm not Sonny). Magpies pecked his eyes out, though David 2 has been ruled out as a suspect.

Gordan: A baby type lizard-gecko thing (get it? Gordon Gecko) that I stole from underneath a rock. I kept it in a fish tank for 2 weeks until Gordan realised that it could jump two feet high and escape the oppressive regime of hand-feed insects and clean water. Gratitude!

Cocky: I found this cockatoo with a broken wing that wildlife services said would never fully heal. He cannot fly but walks around my mum and dads yard everyday (the only one of these pets that is still alive), and has some cocky friends that visit him every day (though it is sad that he can not fly away with them). He says, "Hello Cocky" and barks like a dog. I think he is a little confused.

There was also Poss the possum, Rabbit the rabbit and a homicidal roster named Big Rooster. They are all dead now. I feel, somehow, all these pets let me down. Stoopid dying.

Tuesday

I Graduated. Finally.

Yup. I graduated. After many long years, being held back and watching other precocious young wizards advance ahead of me (I am looking at you Harry) I have graduated from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

My friend Jake made this, he has great photoshop skills! The reason: Australian womens clothing store Witchery, is launching a mens clothing line and stores. In response to some viral ads Witchery had posted online, either Jake or Paul on the Podcast suggested it should be called Wizardry. Apart from being funny, now that i think about it, it is also incorrect. It should be called Warlockery.