Cultural Cringe

I am a fucking pathetic, fucking-cunt zero. Sunday I went and saw the Australian Chamber Orchestra for which I have a yearly subscription. They played with the awesome Finish violinist Pekka Kuusisto and knocked out some fun Bach tunes along with some Finnish classical folk music.

During a rather quick section, where the violinist and violist were pulling and pushing the bows very quickly I thought how the technique of one particular player would lend itself to the giving of a great handjob. Fucking ridiculously shameful.

It just popped into my mind but I then found myself analyzing the grip and velocity of each of the players bow work, thinking, "that one would be better than that one. Oh, he is quick...". I didn't want to think these thoughts. I didn't plan it. I didn't find it erotic. But that was the connection my mind made - from Bach's Violin Concerto No. 2 in E to Nat's Organ Sonata in HJ. I had to really concentrate and focus to get back to thinking about the music. I'm sorry ACO.


Stop it. Please.

Stop it.
Stop calling the internet cute names. The interweb. Skyenet. The World Wide World Web. Meganet. The Internets. Cybernet. Series of tubes. Facespace. The infobahn. inter-galactic-web. Cyberspace. TOOBS. I have been guilty of this in the past, I admit. But let's just stop, yeah? No questions asked. An interweb amnesty if you will. I once thought, in say 1998, that due to syllable rationing, that Net might become the common usage but Net seems just too lame. So lets just stick with the internet, OK.

Stop it.
Stop telling me you have spare tickets to Golden Plains or Meredith. I don't care, I don't want to know, I don't want to come.

Stop it.
Stop putting avocado in my sandwiches. I'm a boy, OK. If I want to make my sandwiches girly I will ask you to decrease my sandwiches wages and add a slice of beetroot. Since when did avocado become a sandwich default? Where was avocado in the 80's? On trees where it belongs. Much to my disdain it looks as though avocado is here to stay so we need to set some ground rules. Avocado is a butter substitute. Fuck off! It is a fruit. That is like substituting the beef patty in a burger with pineapple and calling it a whopper.

Stop it.
Stop talking about smoking weed. As glad as I am that coke is no longer hip and replaced by dope in the cool stakes - it's fucking weed, get over it. You are not funny, insightful or enjoyable to be around when you are high. You are boring and nothing like Bob Dylan. And if you are a hipster still doing coke. Fuck, hurry up and do weed for fucks sake.

Stop it.
Stop telling me that twitter is on the verge of the tipping point and about to go mainstream. It already has. When broadcasters are talking about it on the nightly news you can bet it's mainstream. But why do I care? It only has 8 million users. Why does the media talk about it all the time? Because it is so simple that even Mel and Koschie can understand it. It's the domain of marketers, techies and oldies constantly tweeting about twitter. For lamos wanting to be COOL by knowing gossip before anyone else and wishing they were Perez Hilton.

Traveling Bogan

Trogan - noun. A bogan (urban white-trash, booner) that travels internationally. Trogans are mainly found in Thailand and in other parts of South-East Asia, England and Canada. Trogans will often talk about the "amazing amount of fucking culture" and how "it reminds them how lucky they are to be fucking Australian" in bars full of other Australians throughout the world. The Trogans ability to travel beyond their traditional habitat has stemmed largely from increased incomes in the western world (see Cashed Up Bogans - CUBs) and the growth and availability of low-cost budget airlines.

Trogans should not be confused with Trojans which come in wooden horse, condom and internet virus variations.

**This came from a journal of mine from 2005, that I was cringingly rereading the other day**