I have noticed some crazy things going on in the world recently. The election and subsequent protest in Iran, the death of Michael Jackson and the Ute-gate political non-scandal. I can only put this down to one thing; it’s been months since the last edition of Trust Watch.
5. Small Vegetables.
Look, I don’t, as a general rule, trust small things. Insects, genitals, people – when they are small they are not to be trusted. Vegetables are no different!
The main culprit – Broccolini. Where the fuck was this vegetable 10 years ago? And now it’s all the rage. Broccolini this, Broccolini that. Let’s all have a fucking Broccolini party! It combines people’s irrational love for broccoli with peoples desire for small, dainty cute things and saying ‘ini’ at the end of words. And don’t get me started on baby corn. Come on!
I bought a book the other day. A secondhand book from the shop down the road from my house. I started to read it – I know, I know – that was my first mistake. I got to page 56, went to go to the next page (the astute reader will know that that would normally be page 57) and it goes straight to page 77). Bastards. Without all those pages it was like a “lose your own adventure” (see what I did there?).
Now who would tear out these pages? I am reminded of when I was 14 and I had a friend in High School, Richie Dunn. When we had class in the library he would roam the bookshelves, knock books off, hide books in air conditioning vents, tear out pages and, as his Pièce de résistance, would hock a giant loogie right in the middle of some book of young-adult fiction. Although he was a good student, it was like his “fuck you” to learning and a big “fuck you” to any kid stupid and lame enough to want to read a John Marsden novel.
3. People. In. Cafes.
I like sitting in a café, reading the paper and just enjoying a coffee on my lonesome. But I can never help listening in on other people’s conversations. I can’t help it. I know it will make me angry but I just need to know how much I hate this guy pontificating about how he thinks Stockard Channing is an overrated actress and that Al Pacino is the greatest actor in the last 50 years of cinema. Fuck you, dude. And now I have this other jerkoff crapping on about why the inner city art deco architecture of Melbourne is inferior to that of Sydney. This guy is definitely a contributing writer to Modern Jackass Monthly – a “fictional” magazine a friend alerted me to that is a great way to describe people talking knowledgeable about something of which the have very little knowledge. Hey, I might just be the editor-in-chief.
Coming in only at number two this week is Soup. Look, I have been hard on you in the past, Soup. It’s winter; it is your time to shine, so I will let you off lightly this week. But can I ask you just one thing, what is with combining the most ordinary ingredients altogether in one fuck-off soup. Pumpkin, asparagus and lentil. Pumpkin bad. Asparagus bad. Lentils bad. Soup bad. Spinach, potato and leek. Come on. Can we put one interesting ingredient in there? Something to eat towards, something to save until last. A chunk of chicken? A Matzah ball? Come on!
1. The Ocean.
I like the water, I like the beach and I like girls in bikinis, so I am reluctant to come out so strong against the ocean. But holy fuck, the ocean is some crazy shit. Firstly, it is huge. It’s literally an ocean of water. And there is so much shit going on down there we don’t know about. Sure there are cute Nemo fish, dolphins, coral reefs and mermaids but that is just to distract us from all the other weird shit going on. We have translucent-head fish, giant squid, dolphins gang-raping each other and Prime Minister kidnapping Chinese submarines.And then we have this...