The Columbines Massacre

I have been away from the blog. I missed it. All these vague, mediocre thoughts clogging up my mind. I had an operation on my jaw, where I was under general anaesthetic, to fix a cracked tooth. The anaesthetic combined with the pain-killers and antibiotics made me vague and hazy. I thought I should spare the blog.

So I am going to write something every day for the next two weeks. A big commitment I know but I think it is warranted. Now that I am off the Panadine Fort, I am feeling unusually alert. I am feeling COMBOULATED.

A Pascal Chocolate Éclair is about as close to a chocolate éclair as Vegan Not-Dogs are to the hind legs of a farmyard pig. I can't believe we let them get away with this bullshit. If it weren’t for the sweet sounds of the Phil Collins playing Gorilla I would storm the Cadbury officers right now (or maybe later when the weather has cleared up a little).

And this leads me to Chip flavours. It started with sour cream and chives. No, it started with “cheese and onion”, then “sour cream and chives”. And we accepted it because they tasted yummy and, quite frankly, we were all a bit sick of the BIG FOUR flavours: Plain, Salt and Vinegar, Chicken and BBQ.

Then came the Kettle chips with their “Baked Honey Ham”, "Chilli and Sour Cream" and "Herb and Spice". The chips were crunchy and rustic and downright delicious so we let that slide.

Not long after, along came Red Rock and friends trying to impress us with their "Red Wine and Tuscan Herbs", "Chicken, Thyme and Lemon", "Honey Soy Chicken", “Lime and Black Pepper” and, the worst of them all, "Balsamic Vinegar and Sea Salt".

I refuse to be quiet anymore. I refuse to be kept down by the thugs in the (Potato) Scallop industry. While you sit there and stuff your face with saturated fat potato snacks I am going to stand up and shout, ""Balsamic Vinegar and Sea Salt"! It’s the same fucking thing as "Salt and Vinegar". We are being duped and having the wool pulled over our eyes."

The human fried potato palate is an insatiable, however, unsophisticated beast. I contend it can detect three, maybe four, flavours: Sugary, Salty, Spicy and Sour. Every chip flavour is essentially a combination of varying proportions of these four flavours.

So go take your bodied wine, with its bouquet of aromas and your mild-aged-hazelnut Bree cheese and sample all the delicate flavours you like. But when you are eating chips all I ever want to hear is, "Fuck, these chips a salty."


Mel said...

Chocolate eclair lollies were invented for hot climates where chocolate would just melt on its own. The caramel is a protective layer.

I agree about the chips except to say that 'tangy' is also a flavour. Remember "Light and Tangy" flavour? That is the most suspicious of all because it has no real-life reference.

Natasha said...

I believe there was an incident late one New Year's Day where it was established that Italian salad dressing tastes exactly like light and tangy chips, only without the chips ;-)